Imagine with me for a minute.
You wake up, dreading the day from the moment you open your eyes. What could possibly happen today that would make you want to leave the bed? Every fiber of your being wants to stay in bed, shutting out the entire world. From the living room, your little boy starts crying for you: “Mom, I’m Hungry!” So, begrudgingly, you drag your body out of bed. You pour him and his sister some cereal, feeling lifeless. There is not one ounce of you that wants to do any of this. You have no energy, no zeal, no excitement for life. You are empty. Feeling like you've got nothing left to give.
In the back recesses of your mind, you know something is wrong. “Why do I feel this way? I wanted to be a mom, I wanted this life. This isn’t how it was supposed to be.” But the other part of your mind pushes those thoughts away. It tells you: "This is normal. You’re just tired, but you're a mom, so isn't that to be expected?"
So you keep on going through the motions. You pack the kids here and there, make food, clean the house, try your best to be the mom and wife you want to be. But you feel like a failure. You are overwhelmed. You’re tired. You’re just not you.
Your day can be going perfectly normal, and then, exactly what you needed.... you feel a panic attack beginning. Great. You run to the bathroom so the kids don’t have to see you lose control. You curl yourself into a ball, huddled on the bathroom mat, trying to get a grip. But the sobs and eventual hyperventilating won’t subside. You are trapped. Trapped in your thoughts, in your insecurities. What if I am screwing up my children? Maybe they are better off without me. What if my marriage falls apart because my husband doesn’t want to deal with the emotional mess I’ve become? What if, what if, what if...
Your kids start calling for you, once again forcing you to pull yourself together. So you get up from the floor, splash some water on your face, and pray that your kids don’t catch on that you have just been crying your eyes out. They are smart, and they do, every time. Feelings of embarrassment, worry, shame, and failure wash over you.
You are living In a haze, going through the motions. It’s almost like you are standing in quicksand, stuck in the same spot while the world is zooming on around you, leaving you behind in its dust. You’re numb, you're exhausted, you’re desperate. You're stuck in the noise that is inside your head with the negative thinking patterns that pull you deeper into the darkness. You need help, but help is the last thing you want to ask for.
Sound familiar to anyone? If it doesn’t, count your blessings! If it does, you’re probably suffering with depression, anxiety and panic attacks, just like I am. The story above is what my life looked like while I was at one of the lowest points of my depression.
There are moments in my life that I don't remember. I don't remember my daughter as she grew from a 2 year old to a 3 year old. I don't remember the first year of my sons life. I was so deep in my depression that, even though I was going through the motions, I was not living. It was almost like I was not here. I do remember sitting on the couch way too often holding my screaming son, crying right along with him. I remember the terrified look on my 2 1/2 year old daughters face while she watched me lose it, day after day. I remember those haunting moments, but I don't remember any of the good moments of that time. My sons first word. His first step. The proud look on my daughters face the first time she discovered a new skill. Depression stole all of those moments, and I mourn them still today.
The breaking point for me was just a typical trip to my mom's house. If you are a mom, you know that getting your kids out the door can be easy one day, and like a civil war the next. This morning, civil war broke out. Nothing was working, and it took us at least half an hour to get out the door (sad, but true!) By the time I got both kids in the car, I was a wreck. I ugly cried the entire way to Lethbridge, and don't remember the drive at all. I got to my moms house, tried to hide it, but within a half hour, I broke down. I described how I was feeling, and to my surprise, she understood exactly how I was feeling. Turns out she had suffered from postpartum depression as well! We talked it out and she recommended I go to my doctor and ask about anti-depressants, which I did the next day.
This day was a turning point. The day I started battling my depression not just surrendering to it. This day was over 2 years ago now, and I have battled almost every day since. There have been a few hiccups in it, where the depression was stronger, and won for a bit. But overall, through medication, different tools, research, prayer, and strengthening my relationship with God, I have battled. Battled hard, with God right beside me.
Just recently, I lost focus on God and his promises, and depression clawed it’s ugly neck back into my life and mind. It escalated to the point that I would have multiple panic attacks and crying/sobbing fits once or twice a day. I spiraled without control. It was terrifying. Absolutely terrifying, like I was trapped at the bottom of a well, looking up at the top, with no way to get there. I could not reach out for help or to God. I couldn't pray, it didn't dawn on me to read my Bible. I was stuck again. Thankfully, this time only took 1 week of my life. A week of breathing, but not really living.
This time, it was a pair of mittens that was the turning point. A little kid sized pair of mittens. My son had left them at my sisters house, and she stopped by unannounced to drop them off. She walked in mid panic attack, and spent the rest of the day with me, and took my kids the next day so I could have a break. I finally filled my husband in on what I was feeling, and he suggested seeing a counselor to get to the bottom of my depression and to learn how to deal with it. I googled Christian counselors, and booked an appointment the next day. This was another huge turning point in my life, and has been one of the best decisions I have made.
God is faithful. I have seen that first hand in my life. God has always sent exactly what I needed in "random acts" to pull me from my darkest moments. He has used a pair of mittens, a random salesperson at the door, and texts from multiple people to jerk me back to reality when I could not find my way there.
Take a few minutes to listen to this updated version of Great is Thy Faithfulness, and then keep scrolling to see 5 helpful tools that you can use to battle depression, or share them with a friend who is struggling with depression.
Depression is tricky. For a person suffering from depression, it is hard to put into words what it feels like, or what is happening in their mind. And to make it more complicated, at least for me, depression changes everyday. It is so hard to open up to family members or friends about what is going on in my mind and what my life looks like in the day to day. I know they are there for me, but when I am trapped in the darkness, the last thing I want to do is reach out or admit that I need help.
Through my battle with depression, I have discovered 5 helpful tools that have helped me. I have created the following acronym to help myself remember.
B - Believe
L - Look for the Good
E- Educate Yourself
S - Seek Help
S - Sing Your Heart Out
1. Believe - God does not make mistakes.
God created you, and He knew each moment of your life that you would have to go through before you were even born. This season of depression was written into your story. It is not something you have done, but it is something you will have to learn to cope with and battle through. Depression is a result of living as a fallen creature in a fallen world.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:13, 16)
God is for us. The Bible is clear that God works for the good of those who love Him. He is working all things for our good. All things. Even when we can't see past the darkness, God has a plan that will give you hope.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
2. Look for the Good
In "Christians Get Depressed Too" (find the link to this incredible resource here) David Murray explains that our depression should be viewed as a talent that can be invested in such a way that brings benefit to us and others and to bring glory to God. I totally understand if you are not in a place that you can see that, and I know it sounds harsh and unfeeling. But I hope that as you journey through your depression, at one point you will see that God has a purpose for your suffering. Just as Joseph expressed to his brothers after they sold him into slavery, we know that God works for the good of those who love Him.
You intended to harm me, but
God intended it for good
to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. (Genesis 50:20)
Maybe someone you know is struggling with depression as well, and you now have the experience to help them through it. Maybe your trials have brought you closer to God, and have taught you that true comfort can only be found through Jesus. Maybe you've had to open up to a loved ones in ways you never thought possible.
It's not wasted friend - this trial, this suffering, this fire you're going through. The Lord promises purpose in all of it, for the purifying of your faith and the praise of His name when you see his faithfulness through it. (Ruth Chou Simons)
Please hold on to the fact that even in your darkest times, that God has not left you and is not punishing you. He knows exactly why you are walking through this time, even when you cannot see it or understand.
"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you;
he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
(Deuteronomy 31:8 )
3. Educate Yourself.
Spend time in God's Word. Read biblical books about depression. Research how depression can effect your brain. The more you know about depression, the greater understanding you will have as to what is happening in your brain. When you understand how and why your brain is working the way it is, you can use that knowledge to fight against depression.
I know the Bible can sometimes feel overwhelming, especially when you are struggling with depression. The most meaningful passage for me is Lamentations 3. I read it over and over.
Lamentations 3 describes depression perfectly, but it also describes God‘s faithfulness.
"He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains. Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer. I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well
remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
YET this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
Lamentations 3: 6-8, 19-24
Yet. I am so glad there was a second part to that verse! We would be dwelling in darkness without God's love.
4. Seek help.
Talk to someone. Talk to a friend. Splurge on a therapist. (It may even be covered by insurance.) Trust me, I understand that that is one of the last things you will want to do. I hid my depression for years, especially to the ones who were closest to me. But talking about it will really help. Don't be afraid to let someone in, even if you ugly cry all over them. While you're ugly crying all over them, hug them. Hugs release oxytocin in your brain, which is associated with happiness and less stress.
If talking to a friend or a loved one still does not help, I would recommend seeking out the professional help of a therapist or a doctor. There is no shame in needing help. There are medications that could replenish the depleted hormones in your brain, and therapists can help you better understand your depression and teach you helpful coping mechanisms. I have been seeing a counselor for a couple months now, and it was been life changing.
5. Sing your Heart Out!
I am the person that once I am alone in my car, I will sing. And I don't sing quietly. Thankfully, I drive mostly highway driving, so people can't see me do this, right? For me, especially in my darkest moments, I could not pray. I would try, but my mind would not let me. I resorted to writing out my prayers to keep myself concentrated, and I found that singing helped me connect with God. I have worship music playing throughout my house during the day and in my car. And I sing along. (My poor children!)
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
(Psalm 13:2,5-6)
In the Bible, there are over 400 references of singing, and at least 50 commands to sing. (Words of Wonder: What Happens When We Sing? | Desiring God)
Jesus sang with his disciples often, and we are commanded to sing as well. God has created us in such a way that there are multiple health benefits, both physical and mental, to singing. Just take a look at the infographic to the right, and be amazed at what our God gave us when he gave us the ability to sing.
We are not created to bear our burdens alone. Please, if you are suffering with anything, please reach out to someone you trust. If you have no one, or don't know who to talk to, reach out to me.